Preparing Your Children: Age-Appropriate Talk

Telling your children that you are going to federal prison is one of the hardest conversations you will have as a parent. You are about to disappear from their daily lives for months or years. You want to protect them from shame, from confusion, from the pain. You also cannot protect them from this. What you can do is be honest, age-appropriate, and present in the telling.

This page walks through how to have that conversation at different ages, how to manage the emotions it brings up, and how to stay connected and involved even though you are not physically there.

Before you tell them: arrange guardianship and care

Before you tell your children anything, make sure the logistics are handled. Your children need a stable caregiver who will be legally recognized as their guardian while you are gone.

Options:

• The other parent (if co-parenting is possible)
• A grandparent
• An aunt or uncle
• A trusted family friend
• A formal guardianship petition if no family is available

The legal piece: Get a guardianship agreement in writing, signed by you and the guardian, that spells out:

• Who has custody while you are gone
• Who makes medical and educational decisions
• How often you will stay in touch
• How communication will happen (phone, email, visits)
• What happens when you are released

You do not want your children in an undefined situation or in foster care because no one was designated. Handle this before your report date.

Tell the caregiver ahead of time, so they are prepared, and so they can help you think through how to talk to the children.

How to tell them: age groups and language

Very young children (ages 2-5)

At this age, the time is abstract. “Going away for a while” does not land the way it does for older kids. Your focus is on the caregiver they will stay with and on continuity.

What to say: “Mommy has to go somewhere for a while because I broke a rule and need to be away. You are going to stay with [Grandma/Dad/Aunt Sarah] and I will call you sometimes. I love you so much.”

Then:

• Read a children’s book about separation (ask your librarian or a counselor for recommendations).
• Create a visual: a calendar with a photo of you, and mark off days until you leave so the child can begin to understand time.
• Establish the routine after you leave: “You will stay with Aunt Sarah. Mommy will call on Saturday. We will have visits sometimes.”
• Answer their questions simply.

Do not: Use shame language like “I did something bad” or make it sound frightening.

School-age children (ages 6-12)

School-age children can understand cause and consequence. They can feel shame and worry about what peers will think. They need honest, simple language and reassurance that this is not their fault.

What to say: “I need to tell you something important. I made a serious mistake. It was against the law. Because of that mistake, I have to go to a place called prison for a while to take responsibility for what I did. This is really important: it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I still love you very much. You will stay with [caregiver] and we will stay in touch through calls and visits.”

Then:

• Answer their questions: “Will I see you?” “Yes, we will have visits.” “Will you come back?” “Yes, when I finish my time.” “Why did you break the rule?” Answer honestly but simply, you do not need to explain the full crime, just the basic facts. “I made choices I should not have made.”
• Reassure them: “This does not make you a bad person. This does not make me a bad person as your mom. I am taking responsibility for what I did.”
• Let them feel: sadness, anger, confusion. Do not try to fix their feelings. “I know this is sad and hard. It is sad and hard for me too.”
• Establish the routine: phone days, visit plans, how they can send mail.

Do not: Make them responsible for your feelings or for managing your sadness. Do not ask them to keep it secret. Do not assume they understand more than they do.

Teens (ages 13+)

Teens can understand complex situations, legal systems, and social consequences. They may feel shame or anger. Some may be mature enough to help with younger siblings. Some may act out or withdraw.

What to say: “I need to have an honest conversation with you about something that will affect our family. I made serious mistakes that broke federal law. I am going to federal prison for [timeframe] to serve my sentence. I am telling you this because you deserve to know, and because it will affect your life directly.”

Then explain the basic facts without overwhelming detail. “I [general crime category, fraud, drugs, etc.]. I am not proud of it. I am taking responsibility by serving this sentence.”

Then:

• Invite their questions and answer honestly.
• Acknowledge their feelings: “You might feel angry, embarrassed, sad, or a combination of things. All of those feelings are valid.”
• Do not ask them to parent younger siblings, though they may naturally help.
• Invite them into communication: “I know this is awkward. I would like to stay connected with you. We can talk on the phone. You can visit if you want to. You can also choose not to. I understand if you need space.”
• Tell them about support: “There are groups for teenagers with incarcerated parents. If you want to talk to someone, I can help find resources.”

Do not: Defend yourself extensively or ask them to take your side. Do not dump all the details of what happened. Do not promise things will be normal; acknowledge the disruption and the pain.

Managing shame and protecting their social life

Your children may worry about what peers will think. This is real, and it is painful. You cannot make it disappear, but you can help.

Do:

• Tell them it is ok to tell trusted people (a close friend, a teacher) what is happening.
• Help them script a simple explanation: “My mom is in federal prison. She made mistakes and is serving her sentence.”
• Validate that it is hard and unfair.
• Connect them with other kids in similar situations through support groups.
• Remind them this does not define who they are.

Do not:

• Pretend it is not happening or ask them to hide it.
• Minimize the impact (“lots of kids have incarcerated parents”).
• Blame others or make excuses.

If you are a single mother: additional considerations

If you are the only parent and custody does not automatically go to the other parent, the planning is more urgent and more complex.

• Get a formal guardianship in place before your report date.
• Make sure the guardian knows your wishes about visits, communication, and parenting philosophy.
• Document the caregiver arrangement so there is no confusion while you are away.
• Arrange how the guardian will explain your incarceration to your children.
• Plan how you will stay involved: calls, emails, visits, help with homework via CorrLinks email.

The ASFA clock also ticks if your children end up in foster care. If you are facing a long sentence and your children are in foster care, know that ASFA gives the state 15 of 22 months to move toward adoption or reunification. This is critical. A family law attorney should be part of your team before you report. (See the separate guide on ASFA and custody implications.)

Staying connected while you are inside

Calls: Arrange a schedule for phone calls. “Mommy calls on Saturday mornings” gives kids something to look forward to and protects them from the pain of thinking you forgot.

CorrLinks email: If your children are old enough to access email, email is cheaper than phone and creates a written record they can reread.

Letters: Write physical letters. Kids keep them, reread them, and find comfort in something tangible from you.

Visits: Whether they visit depends on the facility, their age, and your preference. Visits maintain connection and help kids know you are alive and present even though you are away. They can also be hard.

Birthday and holidays: Do not miss these. Call, write, send something. These moments matter more when they are separated by incarceration.

School involvement: Stay involved. Ask the caregiver for report cards, school photos, progress updates. Send encouraging letters about their classes and activities.

Support resources for your children

• White Collar Support Group (WCSG): Runs groups for families including children.
• A New Way of Life: Supports families of incarcerated women.
• Justice-Impacted Support Forum: Peer support for children with incarcerated parents.

Your children may benefit from therapy or a support group with other kids in similar situations. These provide space to process in a way they might not feel comfortable doing at home.

The bottom line

Your children are old enough to deserve honesty. They are young enough that they need reassurance that this is not their fault and that you love them. You are still their parent. Being in prison does not change that, even though it changes how you parent.

Tell them soon. Tell them honestly. Tell them with love. Then stay present, stay connected, and keep being their mom, from inside. Your effort to maintain that relationship, even from prison, shapes their resilience and their understanding that people can take responsibility and still be worthy of love.

This is one of the hardest things you will do. But you can do it.

Frequently asked questions

When should I tell my children?

As close to your report date as feels manageable, but far enough in advance that they are not blindsided. For young children, a week or two before is enough. For older children and teens, a few weeks allows them to process. Never surprise them on the day you leave.

What exactly do I say?

Be honest, age-appropriate, and simple. 'I made a mistake that broke a law. I have to go to prison for a while to take responsibility for what I did. This is not your fault. I love you and will stay in touch.' Let them ask questions. Answer simply and honestly.

Will my children be taken away?

Not automatically. If a caring adult (the other parent, a grandparent, an aunt) is available and willing, custody usually goes there. If no one is available, child protective services may be involved. Arrange guardianship in writing before you go so there is no confusion.

How do I make sure my kids do not feel ashamed of me?

You cannot entirely, but you can help. You are still their parent. You made a mistake. That does not make you a bad person or make them bad by association. Tell them this. Model accountability and taking responsibility. Stay connected and involved in their lives.

Should I let my children visit me in prison?

That is your choice. Visits can maintain connection and help children understand that you are alive and present even though you are away. They can also be traumatic for young children. Consider the child's age, temperament, the facility, and your family's preferences. Talk with a counselor or a support group for guidance.